10. It will help land a job as a Kellogg's Raisin Bran raisin.
9. It's a quick cure for that pasty "heroin chic" look.
8. Your pride was hurt, when no one noticed you parading topless in front of the Skydome.
7. Michael Jackson called you. He wanted another body part for his next operation.
6. Bay Watch's Pamela Anderson sidelined by melanoma is forced to retire to become a fishing guide in Inuktuk, and they needed a replacement.
5. Disney is down to 100 Dalmatians after the Southern Baptists took aim, and you rushed your dog Spot in for a tanning session so he could audition for the part.
4. The Dairy Council of Canada ad told you that Vitamin-D deficiency will cause osteoporosis and ruin your sex life. Trouble is you are lactose intolerant and can't stand fresh air to get daily fix of sunshine.
3. You learned that the owner of the tanning salon near you was taken away by ambulance after falling asleep on the job, and her only assistant is an iguana. What a golden tan opportunity for you!
2. In pre-planning your funeral you discovered that cryogenic preservation is too expensive. Instead you decide to use the quick and easy "pay as you fry" method. It'll save your mortician shrink-wrap, too.
1. Melanoma Monday just passed, and no one will bug you about the risks of skin cancer for at least one year. You disconnect the timer on the sunbed, and just slowly simmer.
Terry Polevoy, MD
